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Canadiana Grotesquica

by Geoff Berner

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1.
THE GHOST OF TERRY FOX (Is Looking Down On Me Tonite) The lights of Burnaby mountain Are twinkling at me, Winking at me, Because they know. When I was young, I tried to fly on borrowed wings. I just didn't fit those things-- I belong below. Standing on the podium, Knowing what a fraud I am, Everyone could see it wasn't right. I could hear Doug and the Slugs all say, “It's too bad” but anyway, The ghost of Terry Fox is looking down on me tonight. I tried to redeem myself, Instead it seems, I just ream myself, Over and over again, no hope in sight. He was a true hero, I am just a--well, you know, The ghost of Terry Fox is looking down on me tonight. They say to yourself be true, But what's a man supposed to do? How is he supposed to win the fight? When everyone can clearly see, I'll never be the man I tried to be. The ghost of Terry Fox is looking down on me tonight
2.
HUSTLE ADVISORY When I was a much younger man, I went to the university. I tried super-hard to understand, Until I had a big epiphany. I cried, “None of you people can really be trusted, “You’re not searching for enlightenment. “All of you people are just running a hustle, “To try to pay the rent.” And then a genial professor of History Took my arm and he took me aside, He said “I guess you’ve seen through the mystery, You must be very clever,” he lied. “But did it ever occur to you, son, In your search for the truth to be spilled, If I ever really thought that you could hurt this institution I would pay someone to have you killed. Because “Don’t you know it’s nothing personal, You seem like a reasonable man, But if you fuck with my hustle, I will get you if I can.” I went out into the world to start perusing it With my new hustle glasses on. Suddenly, a whole lot of confusing shit Had a clear explanation. I saw a hustle there, a hustle here, Everybody seemed to have at least one, But I soon found that the people that you’ve really got to fear Are the ones who don’t know they’ve a hustle going on. Don’t you know it’s nothing personal, You seem like a reasonable man, But if you fuck with my hustle, I will get you if I can. And Jesus was a hustler When he walked upon the water, And the money changers looked up at him In his lonely wooden tower. They said “When you went into that Temple, man, What the fuck were you thinking? Don’t you know that money-changing is the way we’re gonna build The future for the children.” But Jesus wasn’t listening, As they worked themselves into a lather, He was busy trying to run a telepathic hustle on his father, Who said, “All men shall be hustlers, Until I tell you different, and “Don’t you know it’s nothing personal, You seem like a reasonable man, But if you fuck with my hustle, I will get you if I can.” Every now and then a leader comes along, Promising a great big change, He seems so optimisitic, he can’t be wrong, With his sunny, sunny ways. But before you wish him “Good luck with your career!” Please get him to explain Exactly whose hustle shall be fucked with here, And whose hustle shall remain unchanged. Are you ready to fuck with the Great Hustling Powers? Because that is the changing test, And if so, Maybe they are going to greet you with flowers, But you better get yourself a little kevlar vest. Don’t you know it’s nothing personal, You seem like a reasonable man, But if you fuck with my hustle, I will get you if I can.
3.
SUPER SUBTLE FOLK SONG The boat was taking on water (from a hole) So I made a second hole to let the water out. The boat was taking on water (from a hole) So I made a second hole to let the water out. I couldn’t hear the sailor’s daughter, ‘Cause I don’t listen to people when they’re shrill and they shout. My brother was being torn apart by panthers, So I bought a bunch of panthers as pets. My brother was being torn apart by panthers, So actually I bought several panthers as pets. My Dad was dying of lung cancer, So I bought my kids a carton of cigarettes. You might say that I’m an asshole, I’m just trying to fit in with my scene. And while the fire is burning Let’s make a bunch more gasoline. And if I drove a car here, Then I’m a hypocrite, I shouldn’t have nothing to say, And if I didn’t drive a car here, You prob’ly wish I would shut up anyway. The only people with a right to an opinion Are the buddies of the oil companies, Let’s have another benefit for the victims of the symptoms, Where it’s forbidden to speak of the disease. Future kids will say we were assholes, Just trying to fit in with our scene, And while the fire is burning, Let’s make a bunch more gasoline. And while the fire is burning, Let’s make a bunch more gasoline. And while the fire is burning, Let’s improve our capacity to ship more gasoline.
4.
Prairie Wind 05:07
PRAIRIE WIND Tell me people, what drives a woman to drive four hours, Meet a funny-looking man in the bar of the Plains Hotel, Accompany him upstairs, Answer several prayers, Then drive right back without so much a fare-thee-well? Well, She’s an educated girl so she knows how to be ironic, Deflect all talk of feeling with finesse. What was she trying to get? What did she get instead? She ain’t talking, so it’s anybody’s guess. You say that you hate that prairie wind, Nevertheless, you do a very fine imitation of it. Was it the same thing drew you to me, Blew you away from me again? You say that you hate that prairie wind. I asked her about the ring upon her finger, When we first touched hands as we sat in the hotel chair, For a moment she dropped the mask, Said “Someone loved me in the past.” I neglected to ask the question hanging there. You say that you hate that prairie wind, Nevertheless, you do a very fine imitation of it. Was it the same thing drew you to me, Blew you away from me again? You say that you hate that prairie wind. In Saskatchewan the sun can shine so fiercely, It seduces you outside to take a stroll. It’s exhilarating and bright, Till that cold wind comes up to bite You, and remind you of all the things you can’t control. You say that you hate that prairie wind, Nevertheless, you do a very fine imitation of it. Was it the same thing drew you to me, Blew you away from me again? You say that you hate that prairie wind. You’re so pretty when you say you hate that prairie wind. So pretty when you’re riled. I’ll be in Berlin in October. You could meet me if I send you down the fare.
5.
Phoney Drawl 04:04
PHONY DRAWL Well, there’s a certain way of talkin’ That is done down in the South. A certain way of slackenin’ Certain muscles in your mouth, But please don’t be confused and think That I am from there, though, ‘Cause I was born and raised in Southern Onta-ri-o. Phony drawl— My phony drawl, Nothin’ I do can shake this phony drawl, Like a broken tape recorder, Or some kind of brain disorder, Nothin’ I do can shake this phony drawl. I do it when I’m on the stage, Or in the studio. I do it when I been a-drinkin’, Or sometimes when I go Down to Dixie, For a visit. I been there a couple a times, But it disappears like magic When Revenue Canada’s on the line. Phony drawl— My phony drawl, Nothin’ I do can shake this phony drawl, So I sing about guns and horses, Not my university courses, Cause nothin’ do can shake this phony drawl. Maybe it’s cause way back yonder, In my younger days, My mama took me to one too many Tennessee Williams plays, Or maybe it’s ‘cause I can’t fight, And this drawl makes me sound tough. Or maybe it’s ‘cause who I am Just ain’t interesting enough. Phony drawl— My phony drawl, Nothin’ I do can shake this phony drawl, I shoulda stopped before I begin it, ‘Cause there ain’t much money in it, But nothin’ I do can shake this phony Draw-aw-aw-aw-awl.
6.
Trick You 02:31
TRICK YOU Nothing up my sleeve, Just to look at me, you might find it hard to believe, Nevertheless, in time you’ll see, I’m gonna trick you Into Falling in love with me. At this point some people might be moved to say, How can my trick ever trick you, if I give my trick away? But you and I know that’s part of the trick to tricking clever girls like thee, I’m gonna trick you Into Falling in love with me. Hey, don’t you wanna fall Down the rabbit hole? Come on come on suspending disbelief-- With me-- And once this trick is under way, I plan to trick you prob’ly several times a day, From this moment till the day they bury me, I’m gonna trick you Into Falling in love with me.
7.
DON’T PLAY CARDS FOR MONEY WITH CORBY LUND There's a lot of people playing poker nowadays, You might wanna get hip to that craze. Just remember it's not a game of chance, And never under any circumstance, No matter what you do in any situation-- Don't play cards for money with Corby Lund. Even though at first, it might seem like fun. At the start he might let you win you know, But in the end he'll skin you so You stumble away from the table feeling stunned-- Don't play cards for money with Corby Lund. The cowboys of the prairies and the roughnecks of the oil sands Love the way Corby's songs evoke the beauty of Albertan lands, But when he saunters into the casino, They just sigh and hand over all their dough. What's the point in prolonging the invevitable humiliation?-- Don't play cards for money with Corby Lund. If you're a Mormon, you'll just wind up broke and shunned. Don't try to appeal to his Christian charity (He’s not Christian!) He worships Norse mythology And the eternal winter of Ragnarok is coming for you my son— Don't play cards for money with Corby Lund. He went down and toured Australia in 2004. Now he's banned from entering the country forevermore. ‘Cause those koalas don’t seem so cute and wise, brother, When poverty forces them to cannibalize each other. The whole outback can hear ‘em when they eat their young--- Don't play cards for money with Corby Lund Don't play cards for money with Corby Lund, Every disadvantaged marsupial, With its empty pocket, instead of full, --Silent testimony to the economic devastation-- Don't play cards for money with Corby Lund. This is one of those times when Kenny Rogers would tell you: “Run!” Don't play cards for money with Corby Lund.
8.
Gino Odjick 05:10
GINO ODJICK Back in the time before Mike Keenan ruined watching the Canucks for me, When he traded away Trevor Linden, After letting Messier have the captaincy, I used to like to watch Gino Odjick, he played the enforcer role. Didn't have as much talent as some, but he sure played with an awful lot of soul. Now you can go ahead and be a jerk, and you can call him a goon. But he fought like a kid in the schoolyard Who was trying to make the bullies leave his little brother alone. There was a reason that the people always shouted his name: They recognized the emotions playing across his face. They recognized the feelings ‘cause they knew they'd often felt the same, It It's a determined look that says, I'm just fighting to stay in the game, I'm just fighting to stay in the game. Us Canadians like to believe that we're so polite and nice, But we're more like the Romans than we know, And we like to see a little blood on the ice. But the armchair shouters and the TV clowns, they don't pay the butcher's bill. It falls to people like Gino To go out and bleed for the national spectacle. But he never let himself become another casualty, He took your worst impulses And he turned them around, to lead a life of leadership and dignity. There was a reason that the people always shouted his name: They recognized the emotions playing across his face. They recognized the feelings cause they knew they'd often felt the same, It's a determined look that says, I'm just fighting to stay in the game, I'm just fighting to stay in the game. Fighting to keep the love of our spouses, Fighting to keep the banks from taking our houses, Fighting to keep the respect of our children, "Making a living, not making a killing."* Oh... Let’s go. As a First Nations leader, Gino Odjick met with the Pope, it's true. (It’s true.) Pope apologized for the Church's role In Canada's residential schools. I wonder was he tempted to grab him by the jersey and pop him a few? But Gino forgave him, said it's time to work Together to build the future anew. Now he owns and runs the golf course out on the Musqueum Leading young people with a strong example, That is what he's always done. There was a reason that the people always shouted his name: They recognized the emotions playing across his face. They recognized the feelings cause they knew they'd often felt the same, It's a determined look that says, I'm just fighting to stay in the game, I'm just fighting to stay in the game. *”Making a living, not making a killing.” is a phrase I heard from Utah Phillips, who lives on in song
9.
MY HEART IS A PIECE OF GARBAGE. FIGHT SEAGULLS! FIGHT! Words and music by: Rae Spoon. Everyone's lining up for a brand new pick up truck I need a ghost ship I need a ghost ship Everyone left behind the Maritimes I need a history I need a history The oil rush is falling down like rain Falling down like rain On all of us Ask the devil into your heart And you'll never be alone There's no time to stand apart In your new prairie home And the Calgary tower stands up in the sky Like a giant fist that sticks up with all of it's might And the Calgary tower is shining in the night Like the mast of a ghost ship on it's inaugural flight My heart is a piece of garbage My heart is a piece of garbage My heart is a piece of Garbage Fight. Seagulls. Fight Fight. Seagulls. Fight
10.
RULE OF THE ROAD (With Apologies To Country Dick Montana) Pack up the gear. Pack it up all nice and tightly. Let it tamp down the fear. Fear that follows you day and nightly. How could all this delicate circuitry Survice all the way, The rumbling from Winnepeg to Thunder Bay. Everything that you take on this trip Is gonna be broken by the time you get back, Everything that you take on this trip Is gonna be broken by the time you get back. Now you know, You can't say I didn't tell you so. There's only one rule of the road. You've got a dream, Give you any chance, you'll take it, You've assembled a team. How could you not possibly make it? Well look out, kid, cause it’s a long long list, Starting with Roger’s Pass, pregnancy, Feldman and Asscociates-- Everything that you take on this trip Is gonna be broken by the time you get back, Everything that you take on this trip Is gonna be broken by the time you get back, Now you know, You can’t say I didn’t tell you so, There’s only one rule of the road. I used to say It was important to travel lightly, But even at that age, I knew it wasn’t bloody likely. But if you’re a True Believer, You’ll believe me when I say, I drove from Montreal to Sackville, And was grateful just to play, That very same day, And I forgot to get paid-- Everything that you take on this trip Is gonna be broken by the time you get back, Everything that you take on this trip Is gonna be broken by the time you get back, Now you know, You can’t say I didn’t tell you so, There’s only one rule of the road.

credits

released September 9, 2017

Credits:
WAYNE ADAMS
Percussion. Vocals on “Phoney Drawl”
GEOFF BERNER
Lead vocals and accordion
DIONA DAVIES
Violin. Vocals on “Super Subtle Folk Song”,
“Prairie Wind”, “Rule of the Road”.
FRAZEY FORD
Vocals on “Hustle Advisory”
CAROLYN MARK
Vocals on “Rule of the Road”
FORD PIER
Piano and keyboards
PAUL RIGBY:
Guitars, pedal steel, mandolin, banjo.
Vocals on “Gino Odjick”
KEITH ROSE:
Bass

My Heart is a Piece of Garbage. Fight Seagulls! Fight!, words and music by: Rae Spoon.

All other songs: words by Geoff Berner, music by Geoff Berner, with Paul Rigby.

Produced and arranged by: Paul Rigby.

Recorded in Vancouver at Afterlife Studios.
Engineered by John Raham, and also JC/DC Studios
Engineered by Dave Carswell.
Mixed by Dave Carswell and Paul Rigby.

Mastered by Ryan Morey at Ryebread Mastering, Montreal.
Emergency Medical Response Team: Karina Zeidler

Cover painting by: Kelly Haigh
Album layout by: Richard Chapman

Special thanks to:
Ralph Allen, Jenn Barker, Margot Berner, Nancy Berner,
Sarge Berner, Toby Berner, Benny Bratten, Genevieve Buechner,
Bob Cohen (the one in Budapest), Kris Demeanor,
Josh Dolgin, Meghan Haberl, Corb Lund, Carolyn Mark,
Justin Newall, Serena Rose, Michelle Spencer, Rae Spoon,
Angela Teistler, Giselle Webber, Paulette Zeidler,
Joseph Zeidler-Berner and Ursula Nancy Zeidler-Berner
All masters owned by Geoff Berner.
Licensed to COAX Records, 2017.

©Geoff Berner 2017 SOCAN
www.geoffberner.com
www.coaxrecords.com

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Geoff Berner Vancouver, British Columbia

Singer / songwriter / accordionist / novelist Geoff Berner's music combines klezmer, punk, political satire and Balkan dance rhythms. He writes sharp, literate songs that make you want to weep, laugh, grind your teeth, or kick out a window - often all at the same time. Having built a cult following with his weirdly compelling stage presence, G.B. has a strange ability to create fun chaos. ... more

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